On conceiving Princess

My eldest sis-in-law gave birth to a bundling baby boy on 17 February 2007. My parents, my brothers and I were elated. He is my parents' first grandchild and my first nephew. I was genuinely happy for my brother and sis-in-law. Though I wanted a child badly, having a nephew sort of lessen the pain a little.

I remember when we visited sis-in-law in the hospital, her stepmum was there. She knew about my miscarriages. Before she left, she touched my tummy and said, "Take some blessings from here and may you conceive".

Shortly after, I did conceive. But upon conceiving Princess, I was hit with a turmoil of emotions I wasn't ready to feel. I was happy that I was pregnant. But I did not want to be too happy. I was scared that if I get too happy, I might be disappointed should I miscarry. I was scared yet I do not want to think about it.

Hubby was not spared of this too. I forbid hubby to talk about it. When he tried talking about my pregnancy, I would shut him off. I remembered sis-in-law congratulated me when she learnt about my pregnancy from mum. I broke down and told her that I did not want to talk about it.

Every ultrasound scan I prayed for a heartbeat. Once we hit the 3mths mark, I was really hoping that the foetus in me was still alive. I remembered checking my breast for soreness because the soreness actually soothed me into believing that I was still pregnant. At my 3mths ultrasound scan, they could not detect the baby via the scan on my tummy so they had to do a vaginal scan. Hubby was asked to leave the room. I was so scared when the radiologists was trying to detect the foetal heartbeat. Finally the found it. I cried and they asked me why and I told them about my previous two miscarriages. They assured me that everything would be fine.

Throughout my pregnancy, I spoke about it little. Towards my full-term was when I was a little more confident.

During my 38th week scan, it was revealed that my amniotic fluid was low. I had to be induced. I was already 2cm dilated. When the broke my waterbag, I was 2.5cm dilated. Contractions was induced and within 1.5 to 2hours, I gave birth to Princess. No epidural was administered. I remembered when the gynae was stitching me up, she told me that for my next birth, I better hurry to the hospital coz I might just deliver in the taxi. The staff nurse and her commented that labour was quite fast for me.

Once stitches were done, the gynae and the nurses left the room to give hubby, Princess and I some alone time. I remembered looking into her eyes and feeling a rush of love going through me. This was what was growing inside me. She's so beautiful, so soft and so small.

Princess taught me how to love an undying love. She taught me how to feel for someone else like I've never felt before. She taught me how to care for another soul. I love her so much I could really feel it. This is what it feels like to have a child. This is love.