Dear Cutie Pie (a name Daddy concocted),
As I write this, you are already 10 months old. Mummy has just returned to the workforce. I miss you terribly when I'm working. It is heartbreaking to hear you wail each time I leave you for work. If given a choice, Mummy would love to stay home to care for you and your sister. Unfortunately financial constraints do not permit me to do so and thus here I am, at work, typing this letter out, while visualising the smile on your face.
My cutie pie, you are a bundle of joy. You make it easy for Mummy to care for you. You are full of laughter. You are indeed, a happy baby, full of joy and laughter. Even though you are only 10months old, I can see the love you have for me, Daddy and your sister.
I look forward to see your smile and how your face brightens up each time you see me. I'm sure you notice how happy I am to see you too after a long day at work.
My dear cutie pie, I feel really guilty each time I work late. Trust me I do try my best to return home as quickly as I can. However, sometimes work really takes its toll and unfortunately I have to take work home too. I hope you forgive me should I have not been spending enough time with you at home now. I really want to provide you and your sister with a better life.
Now, you've started to call me "Mama". I feel so touched and loved each time I hear you calling me that.
The name 'Cutie Pie' that Daddy concocted for you really suits you. You are indeed one of the cutest baby I've ever seen.
I love your chuckle and your gurgle, your smile and your smell. I truly love everything about you my dear.
Regards,
Mummy
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Thursday, July 1, 2010
A Letter To My Girls - Part 1
Dear Princess,
When I first laid eyes on you, you were a fragile tiny being. I looked at you and whispered into your ear, "Tiny one, this is mummy." You opened your eyes slightly as if saying, "I know, mom." Or so I like to believe.
Even though I had been talking to you and singing to you the whole nine months you were in my womb, addressing myself as Mummy to you sounded so foreign. I knew I wanted you but I was scared that I could not love you as much as you would have wanted me too. You were afterall, new to me. I worry that I had to get to know you to love you.
But you, you made it easy for me to love. How could I not love you? You feel so right in my arms. Your smell, your smile, your touch are all heavenly blissful to me. My worries were unfounded.
I remembered when I first brought you home, I kept staring at you when you were asleep. I could not leave you alone not even for a second. At night, I could not sleep for fear that I might not see you again. Each time I'll wake up and check your breathing to make sure that you are still there. In the day, I would just stare and look at you sleep and check your breathing again and again for fear of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. Was it post-natal depression? I seriously do not know. All I know was that I wanted you so much and have learnt to love you as a part of me. Your granny had to pull me away from you and reassure me that it would alright to leave you to sleep.
As you grow, you are the light of mummy and daddy's life. Your laughter, your smile, your hug, I can never live without. Hearing you call me "Mammy" for the first time touched my heart deeply. Hearing you first say, "I love you, Mummy," was another episode that will stay etched in my mind. Your hug is like a drug I have to feed on every day.
But my darling, Mummy has this fear. I fear that one day, you'll forget to hug me. I fear that one day, you'll no longer want to say "I love you, Mummy." I fear that one day, you'll hate me for not allowing you to do the things you might want to do.
And when that day comes, even if I tell you that I forbid because I love you, your teenage heart and mind might not choose to believe.
But sweetheart, do know that I have your best interests at heart. Do believe that Mummy loves you whole-heartedly.
Should the day I fear come, I hope that opportunity arises for you to read this letter. Because I love you, my daughter and you will always be there in my heart. I promise you.
Love,
Your Mummy
When I first laid eyes on you, you were a fragile tiny being. I looked at you and whispered into your ear, "Tiny one, this is mummy." You opened your eyes slightly as if saying, "I know, mom." Or so I like to believe.
Even though I had been talking to you and singing to you the whole nine months you were in my womb, addressing myself as Mummy to you sounded so foreign. I knew I wanted you but I was scared that I could not love you as much as you would have wanted me too. You were afterall, new to me. I worry that I had to get to know you to love you.
But you, you made it easy for me to love. How could I not love you? You feel so right in my arms. Your smell, your smile, your touch are all heavenly blissful to me. My worries were unfounded.
I remembered when I first brought you home, I kept staring at you when you were asleep. I could not leave you alone not even for a second. At night, I could not sleep for fear that I might not see you again. Each time I'll wake up and check your breathing to make sure that you are still there. In the day, I would just stare and look at you sleep and check your breathing again and again for fear of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. Was it post-natal depression? I seriously do not know. All I know was that I wanted you so much and have learnt to love you as a part of me. Your granny had to pull me away from you and reassure me that it would alright to leave you to sleep.
As you grow, you are the light of mummy and daddy's life. Your laughter, your smile, your hug, I can never live without. Hearing you call me "Mammy" for the first time touched my heart deeply. Hearing you first say, "I love you, Mummy," was another episode that will stay etched in my mind. Your hug is like a drug I have to feed on every day.
But my darling, Mummy has this fear. I fear that one day, you'll forget to hug me. I fear that one day, you'll no longer want to say "I love you, Mummy." I fear that one day, you'll hate me for not allowing you to do the things you might want to do.
And when that day comes, even if I tell you that I forbid because I love you, your teenage heart and mind might not choose to believe.
But sweetheart, do know that I have your best interests at heart. Do believe that Mummy loves you whole-heartedly.
Should the day I fear come, I hope that opportunity arises for you to read this letter. Because I love you, my daughter and you will always be there in my heart. I promise you.
Love,
Your Mummy
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
On conceiving Princess
My eldest sis-in-law gave birth to a bundling baby boy on 17 February 2007. My parents, my brothers and I were elated. He is my parents' first grandchild and my first nephew. I was genuinely happy for my brother and sis-in-law. Though I wanted a child badly, having a nephew sort of lessen the pain a little.
I remember when we visited sis-in-law in the hospital, her stepmum was there. She knew about my miscarriages. Before she left, she touched my tummy and said, "Take some blessings from here and may you conceive".
Shortly after, I did conceive. But upon conceiving Princess, I was hit with a turmoil of emotions I wasn't ready to feel. I was happy that I was pregnant. But I did not want to be too happy. I was scared that if I get too happy, I might be disappointed should I miscarry. I was scared yet I do not want to think about it.
Hubby was not spared of this too. I forbid hubby to talk about it. When he tried talking about my pregnancy, I would shut him off. I remembered sis-in-law congratulated me when she learnt about my pregnancy from mum. I broke down and told her that I did not want to talk about it.
Every ultrasound scan I prayed for a heartbeat. Once we hit the 3mths mark, I was really hoping that the foetus in me was still alive. I remembered checking my breast for soreness because the soreness actually soothed me into believing that I was still pregnant. At my 3mths ultrasound scan, they could not detect the baby via the scan on my tummy so they had to do a vaginal scan. Hubby was asked to leave the room. I was so scared when the radiologists was trying to detect the foetal heartbeat. Finally the found it. I cried and they asked me why and I told them about my previous two miscarriages. They assured me that everything would be fine.
Throughout my pregnancy, I spoke about it little. Towards my full-term was when I was a little more confident.
During my 38th week scan, it was revealed that my amniotic fluid was low. I had to be induced. I was already 2cm dilated. When the broke my waterbag, I was 2.5cm dilated. Contractions was induced and within 1.5 to 2hours, I gave birth to Princess. No epidural was administered. I remembered when the gynae was stitching me up, she told me that for my next birth, I better hurry to the hospital coz I might just deliver in the taxi. The staff nurse and her commented that labour was quite fast for me.
Once stitches were done, the gynae and the nurses left the room to give hubby, Princess and I some alone time. I remembered looking into her eyes and feeling a rush of love going through me. This was what was growing inside me. She's so beautiful, so soft and so small.
Princess taught me how to love an undying love. She taught me how to feel for someone else like I've never felt before. She taught me how to care for another soul. I love her so much I could really feel it. This is what it feels like to have a child. This is love.
I remember when we visited sis-in-law in the hospital, her stepmum was there. She knew about my miscarriages. Before she left, she touched my tummy and said, "Take some blessings from here and may you conceive".
Shortly after, I did conceive. But upon conceiving Princess, I was hit with a turmoil of emotions I wasn't ready to feel. I was happy that I was pregnant. But I did not want to be too happy. I was scared that if I get too happy, I might be disappointed should I miscarry. I was scared yet I do not want to think about it.
Hubby was not spared of this too. I forbid hubby to talk about it. When he tried talking about my pregnancy, I would shut him off. I remembered sis-in-law congratulated me when she learnt about my pregnancy from mum. I broke down and told her that I did not want to talk about it.
Every ultrasound scan I prayed for a heartbeat. Once we hit the 3mths mark, I was really hoping that the foetus in me was still alive. I remembered checking my breast for soreness because the soreness actually soothed me into believing that I was still pregnant. At my 3mths ultrasound scan, they could not detect the baby via the scan on my tummy so they had to do a vaginal scan. Hubby was asked to leave the room. I was so scared when the radiologists was trying to detect the foetal heartbeat. Finally the found it. I cried and they asked me why and I told them about my previous two miscarriages. They assured me that everything would be fine.
Throughout my pregnancy, I spoke about it little. Towards my full-term was when I was a little more confident.
During my 38th week scan, it was revealed that my amniotic fluid was low. I had to be induced. I was already 2cm dilated. When the broke my waterbag, I was 2.5cm dilated. Contractions was induced and within 1.5 to 2hours, I gave birth to Princess. No epidural was administered. I remembered when the gynae was stitching me up, she told me that for my next birth, I better hurry to the hospital coz I might just deliver in the taxi. The staff nurse and her commented that labour was quite fast for me.
Once stitches were done, the gynae and the nurses left the room to give hubby, Princess and I some alone time. I remembered looking into her eyes and feeling a rush of love going through me. This was what was growing inside me. She's so beautiful, so soft and so small.
Princess taught me how to love an undying love. She taught me how to feel for someone else like I've never felt before. She taught me how to care for another soul. I love her so much I could really feel it. This is what it feels like to have a child. This is love.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
2nd miscarriage
I really wanted to conceive again and after the 1st miscarriage, I bought a pregnancy test kit every month to test for pregnancy. I was checking every single time I missed my period for a day. I was getting my period every month but my cycle was sometimes 28 days and sometimes 30 days.
1st Nov 2006 - I found out that I was pregnant with my 2nd child. This time round, I was so careful. I walked slowly. I ate everything right. Avoided cold drinks. I had my own gynae and she prescribed hormone pills to strengthen the pregnancy. I took it religiously.
6 weeks passed and the baby was still there. I was so happy. No bleeding. Things were going on fine.
13 Dec 2006 - I went for my 11th week appointment and a scan was done. There was no fetal heartbeat detected. The scan showed that the foetus stopped growing at 9 weeks. The foetus had been dead in my womb for 2 weeks. How could I not have known that. I then started to recall that there was one day when I woke up from my sleep and felt as if I had lost something but I did not know what it was. Then I also remembered that my breast didn't feel sore anymore. Those were the signs I've missed.
I cried when my gynae told me that my baby had passed away in my womb. My gynae then. Dr Judy Wong (nice lady) gave me some time to grieve. When I finally gathered myself, I asked her what I should do next. She told me that I could wait for a natural miscarriage to occur or go for evacuation of the uterus. However, the first option has its risks in that it might not occur and there could be an infection. I decided for the latter as the foetus had already been dead in my womb for 2 weeks and I do not want an infection to set in.
The next day, I went for a day surgery. It was a sad procedure as I was on my own. Hubby was not allowed to enter. I remember them inserting a pill to soften the uterus. Thereafter I was in so much pain and was bleeding. I told the nurse about it and I could barely walk. The nurse then wheeled me into the operating theatre. I was then given anaesthetic and was knocked out completely.
When I woke up, I was out of the OT and covered with a thermal blanket. The nurses gave me a hot milo to drink. About an hour later, I was out of there.
The day after the day surgery, I went to Batam to shop. This time round, I did not take any herbs and such. I guess, I was just tired from the emotional rollercoaster ride. I did not want any sympathy. I just wanted to appear strong for everyone around me...
1st Nov 2006 - I found out that I was pregnant with my 2nd child. This time round, I was so careful. I walked slowly. I ate everything right. Avoided cold drinks. I had my own gynae and she prescribed hormone pills to strengthen the pregnancy. I took it religiously.
6 weeks passed and the baby was still there. I was so happy. No bleeding. Things were going on fine.
13 Dec 2006 - I went for my 11th week appointment and a scan was done. There was no fetal heartbeat detected. The scan showed that the foetus stopped growing at 9 weeks. The foetus had been dead in my womb for 2 weeks. How could I not have known that. I then started to recall that there was one day when I woke up from my sleep and felt as if I had lost something but I did not know what it was. Then I also remembered that my breast didn't feel sore anymore. Those were the signs I've missed.
I cried when my gynae told me that my baby had passed away in my womb. My gynae then. Dr Judy Wong (nice lady) gave me some time to grieve. When I finally gathered myself, I asked her what I should do next. She told me that I could wait for a natural miscarriage to occur or go for evacuation of the uterus. However, the first option has its risks in that it might not occur and there could be an infection. I decided for the latter as the foetus had already been dead in my womb for 2 weeks and I do not want an infection to set in.
The next day, I went for a day surgery. It was a sad procedure as I was on my own. Hubby was not allowed to enter. I remember them inserting a pill to soften the uterus. Thereafter I was in so much pain and was bleeding. I told the nurse about it and I could barely walk. The nurse then wheeled me into the operating theatre. I was then given anaesthetic and was knocked out completely.
When I woke up, I was out of the OT and covered with a thermal blanket. The nurses gave me a hot milo to drink. About an hour later, I was out of there.
The day after the day surgery, I went to Batam to shop. This time round, I did not take any herbs and such. I guess, I was just tired from the emotional rollercoaster ride. I did not want any sympathy. I just wanted to appear strong for everyone around me...
The 1st miscarriage
Before I had Princess. I suffered from two miscarriages. It was hard going through all that and I was uncertain whether I could have a child.
My husband and I tied the knot in 2005. On the last day of 2005, I found out that I was pregnant. Hubby and I were estatic.
17 Jan 2006 - I had bleeding. I was in my workplace. I remembered that I was in the toilet, shocked to see the blood. When I left the cubicle, a colleague asked me what was wrong and I told her that I was 6 weeks pregnant and bleeding. She calmly told me to go to KKH 24hr Women's Clinic.
I called hubby and he was in the east (I was in the west). I told him that I would meet him straight at KKH. I called my mum and she was with my aunt and they were around the area of my workplace. So they picked me up and sent me to KKH.
The gynae did a scan and the baby was still there but I was bleeding quite heavily and had to be warded. I was told that it was a threatened miscarriage. I was given a hormone injection on my thigh to strengthen the pregnancy. Thereafter, I could see clots of blood coming out.
The next day, I had to go for another scan and the gynae told me that there is a possibility that the foetus had come out as I was bleeding heavily with clots. True enough, the scan showed that there was no fetal cardiac activity.
I didn't cry when I heard that. But when I called my mum, I started crying. Suddenly the loss seemed real. I was scheduled for a d&c as the were afraid that my body might not have cleared all the clots. I was given a week medical leave.
The worst part was going back to work and having to tell people that I lost the baby. People wanted to comfort me by saying that I was young and could always try again. I know that they were being nice but it didn't make me feel any better. I knew I was young but it does not mean that I have to go through all that.
Worst of all, there were people who kept on asking me what I did that contributed to the miscarriage. Even MIL asked me that. Why ask me what I did??? Of course I would not have done anything to sabotage my pregnancy! I remembered telling hubby at one point that I was so pissed with people asking me that question and that if the next person comes and asks me that then I was going to say that I jumped, danced and skipped around!
Then came the next part where people started to talk about my womb and my body. "Oh, maybe my womb wasn't strong enough." It only made things worst for me emotionally. It made me wonder whether there was anything wrong with me.
I took some post natal herbs as advised by my grandmother so as to strengthen my body. I smiled, laughed and pretended I was fine though deep inside I was still hoping for a baby. Hubby and I tried again and again for a child.
8 Sept 2006 - was the day my 1st child was supposed to be born. The day came. I remembered crying my eyes out. I was still not pregnant by then.
I remembered going visiting and my husband's aunt said, "When are you guys going to have a kid, so-and-so got married after you and they already have a child." That was so insensitive coz she knew about my miscarriage. A child is not something we can just buy off the shelf.
I wanted a kid. I was just not blessed with one yet...
My husband and I tied the knot in 2005. On the last day of 2005, I found out that I was pregnant. Hubby and I were estatic.
17 Jan 2006 - I had bleeding. I was in my workplace. I remembered that I was in the toilet, shocked to see the blood. When I left the cubicle, a colleague asked me what was wrong and I told her that I was 6 weeks pregnant and bleeding. She calmly told me to go to KKH 24hr Women's Clinic.
I called hubby and he was in the east (I was in the west). I told him that I would meet him straight at KKH. I called my mum and she was with my aunt and they were around the area of my workplace. So they picked me up and sent me to KKH.
The gynae did a scan and the baby was still there but I was bleeding quite heavily and had to be warded. I was told that it was a threatened miscarriage. I was given a hormone injection on my thigh to strengthen the pregnancy. Thereafter, I could see clots of blood coming out.
The next day, I had to go for another scan and the gynae told me that there is a possibility that the foetus had come out as I was bleeding heavily with clots. True enough, the scan showed that there was no fetal cardiac activity.
I didn't cry when I heard that. But when I called my mum, I started crying. Suddenly the loss seemed real. I was scheduled for a d&c as the were afraid that my body might not have cleared all the clots. I was given a week medical leave.
The worst part was going back to work and having to tell people that I lost the baby. People wanted to comfort me by saying that I was young and could always try again. I know that they were being nice but it didn't make me feel any better. I knew I was young but it does not mean that I have to go through all that.
Worst of all, there were people who kept on asking me what I did that contributed to the miscarriage. Even MIL asked me that. Why ask me what I did??? Of course I would not have done anything to sabotage my pregnancy! I remembered telling hubby at one point that I was so pissed with people asking me that question and that if the next person comes and asks me that then I was going to say that I jumped, danced and skipped around!
Then came the next part where people started to talk about my womb and my body. "Oh, maybe my womb wasn't strong enough." It only made things worst for me emotionally. It made me wonder whether there was anything wrong with me.
I took some post natal herbs as advised by my grandmother so as to strengthen my body. I smiled, laughed and pretended I was fine though deep inside I was still hoping for a baby. Hubby and I tried again and again for a child.
8 Sept 2006 - was the day my 1st child was supposed to be born. The day came. I remembered crying my eyes out. I was still not pregnant by then.
I remembered going visiting and my husband's aunt said, "When are you guys going to have a kid, so-and-so got married after you and they already have a child." That was so insensitive coz she knew about my miscarriage. A child is not something we can just buy off the shelf.
I wanted a kid. I was just not blessed with one yet...
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Baby Boy or Baby Girl
The issue of the gender of babies goes a long way back. In some cultures, they believe that having a boy will carry on the family line. Some people also believe that it is important to have a balance of boys and girls in the family.
You see, I'm blessed with 2 girls. And I am so glad that I have 2 girls. But somehow, people assume that I might be secretly wishing for a boy. And they are only being nice when they say "It's ok, your next one will be a boy" or "Try for a boy next time round."
Well, here's the big secret: I'm not hoping or wishing for a boy. Not that I have anything against boys. I grew up being the only girl. I had two elder brothers. It's great having brothers. They look out for you and no one dares bully you. But I've always wanted a sister. I wanted someone to share clothes with and share thoughts with. Go shopping together. You don't get these with brothers. So after I had Princess, I really hoped for another girl. Just so that Princess gets to experience sisterhood; one that I never get to experience.
But after having two girls, I'm very comfortable with girls. In fact, if I do want another one, I want a girl again. Not that I'm planning for one. The fact is, the issue of who to take care of the child will come up again. And also, after almost giving birth to Baby in the car, I'm afraid that for the next one, I might give birth in the car or at home!
People don't understand why I do not want a boy. They think I'm hiding behind this lie so as to mask my disappointment of not having a boy. So, I've come up with some reasons why I do not want a boy.
1) I'm very comfortable with girls.
2) I can doll up my girls but not a boy.
3) Reason no. 3 is actually the main reason why I do not want a boy now. It's coz, if I have a boy, then the boy would be lonely as he would be the only boy with 2 elder sisters. Then I would have to try for no. 4 and hope for a boy again. And if I don't have a boy, I would have to try again for no. 5. Coz I would feel guilty for the boy as he would feel what I felt when I was young.
Ok, you might say that I'm thinking too much. Maybe I am. But I just want to be fair for my kids and I want them to be happy. I've tried telling people these reasons but of course, no one believes me. So nowadays, when someone tells me that hopefully my next one will be a boy, I just look at them and smile.
Coz I know, I'm not trying for baby no. 3 anytime soon. The shop is closed...
You see, I'm blessed with 2 girls. And I am so glad that I have 2 girls. But somehow, people assume that I might be secretly wishing for a boy. And they are only being nice when they say "It's ok, your next one will be a boy" or "Try for a boy next time round."
Well, here's the big secret: I'm not hoping or wishing for a boy. Not that I have anything against boys. I grew up being the only girl. I had two elder brothers. It's great having brothers. They look out for you and no one dares bully you. But I've always wanted a sister. I wanted someone to share clothes with and share thoughts with. Go shopping together. You don't get these with brothers. So after I had Princess, I really hoped for another girl. Just so that Princess gets to experience sisterhood; one that I never get to experience.
But after having two girls, I'm very comfortable with girls. In fact, if I do want another one, I want a girl again. Not that I'm planning for one. The fact is, the issue of who to take care of the child will come up again. And also, after almost giving birth to Baby in the car, I'm afraid that for the next one, I might give birth in the car or at home!
People don't understand why I do not want a boy. They think I'm hiding behind this lie so as to mask my disappointment of not having a boy. So, I've come up with some reasons why I do not want a boy.
1) I'm very comfortable with girls.
2) I can doll up my girls but not a boy.
3) Reason no. 3 is actually the main reason why I do not want a boy now. It's coz, if I have a boy, then the boy would be lonely as he would be the only boy with 2 elder sisters. Then I would have to try for no. 4 and hope for a boy again. And if I don't have a boy, I would have to try again for no. 5. Coz I would feel guilty for the boy as he would feel what I felt when I was young.
Ok, you might say that I'm thinking too much. Maybe I am. But I just want to be fair for my kids and I want them to be happy. I've tried telling people these reasons but of course, no one believes me. So nowadays, when someone tells me that hopefully my next one will be a boy, I just look at them and smile.
Coz I know, I'm not trying for baby no. 3 anytime soon. The shop is closed...
Time's Up
Days pass by really quickly nowadays. Baby is coming to 1.5mths old. My maternity leave is drawing to close soon. But the more time I spend with my girls, the less excited I feel about going back to work.
I'm 90% sure that I will extend my leave by taking unpaid leave. The 10% that's holding me back is the fact that if I take unpaid leave, I will have to rely on my savings to cover my expenses for the months I'm not working. I know I have to work or earn money somewhere to cover the expenses but I seriously do not know where to start. There's no one to look after Baby if I return to work.
I read somewhere that worries can kill your milk supply but I'm trying hard to be upbeat about things right now.
I'm 90% sure that I will extend my leave by taking unpaid leave. The 10% that's holding me back is the fact that if I take unpaid leave, I will have to rely on my savings to cover my expenses for the months I'm not working. I know I have to work or earn money somewhere to cover the expenses but I seriously do not know where to start. There's no one to look after Baby if I return to work.
I read somewhere that worries can kill your milk supply but I'm trying hard to be upbeat about things right now.
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